Having grown up in the south, I am not a stranger to etiquette.

In fact, I even had to participate in cotillion (a sort of finishing school). Those not from the south may find this hard to believe but this class was almost a right of passage that ladies AND gentlemen took. (At least, that’s what our parents told us.)

If you are unaware of what this oh-so-dated education consists of, let me fill you in. At the prime age of 13, I was taught the ins and outs of “appropriate” behavior. The curriculum included things from how to properly pour tea and set a table to learning all ballroom dances; even the ever popular Fox Trot. You know, because that’s what every prepubescent kid wants to be forced to do… awkwardly dance with each other while doing our best to avoid eye contact. Think of the worst middle school dance and add pantyhose and ties and you have yourself the mental image of a 1950s pre-teen nightmare but set in the 2000s.

While gentlemen learned the art of holding the door for a lady and how to lead on the dance floor, it was all evenly rounded off to teach individuals to be respectful and polite. Good thing I know how to pour tea for a group. It really has come up so many times in my adulting.  Of course, if you switch tea with wine… And switch “a group” for “myself…” Maybe you’ll realize why I am so damned good at pouring a huge glass of Cabernet without spilling. 

I believe the old saying goes, “Ladies are meant to be seen, not heard”. Ha! Believe me, this lady has A LOT of opinions and is far from worried about letting people hear them. While I do think what is taught is completely antiquated, I do think there is something to be said for having manners. Do I think putting out the right wine glasses and silverware while throwing down a killer waltz should be taught? Hell. No. However, I do think that this world needs a little bit of southern charm mixed with some modern etiquette because good lawd, people are running around here lookin’ like a chicken with its head chopped off. In the coming weeks I will be posting shall we say “life lessons” on how to KEEP IT TOGETHER with more than just one bobby pin.

I’m going to be tackling what some would deem common sense but if anyone has spent more than 5 minutes on a social media channel, they will understand that common sense is not all that, well, common. And by God if someone needs to tell it like it is, this southern lady is gonna get real. Let’s just jump right in.

Dick Pics.

NOOOOO. Not ever. Nope. No way, Jose. N to the O. Maybe now? WRONG AGAIN. Because never in the history of all that is holy has a woman ever said to her girlfriend, “Wow, look at what Bill is packin’ in his pants…”. Actually. Men, you should know that if you are the one to send that terrible picture of your one-eyed monster to a girl, she has definitely shown it to her girlfriends. Most likely not in the, “I’M SO LUCKY” sense. More in the, “WTF. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS CRAP” sense. So do us ALL a favor and keep Pedro to yourself. For real. It doesn’t turn us on. It isn’t cute. It doesn’t make you look more appealing or make us want you more. (*GASP* I know, shocking!) In fact, 96% of the time (every time), it is going to make us want you less. And since we are on the topic of trouser snakes… don’t ever think it’s a “good move” to move our hands or head in that direction. This isn’t porn. It is absolutely not okay to do that ever. Treat women with respect, mmmkay pumpkin? 

So what have we learned in this lesson? Skin flutes are not to EVER be sent in a text, IG, FB message, SNAP, or whatever other technology surfaces in the future. Not even on the aging app. I doubt Russia or anyone else gives a flying fudge how old your balls will look. Gross now. Gross then. And when you are with a woman, if she wants anything to do with Prince Everhard of the Netherlands, she is very capable of finding it on her own. They sure don’t teach that in cotillon but I think that’s a hard (no pun intended) dose of reality that needs to be taught.

So, buckle up for our next modern etiquette lesson because I’m sure it will be a real doozy.

Cheers and try to keep it classy.

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